My Boy

Have I mentioned how obsessed I am with this boy??

He is sitting next to me in all his chubby glory and it's all I can do not to eat him for lunch.
When we conceived him, it had been a month since my mom passed. I did not want to be pregnant yet, my husband was laid off, and I was in school full time (and finishing 3 classes' work from the previous semester that I hadn't finished because of mom's passing). I felt like I needed time and space to mourn my mom, which I barely had with two kids under the age of 4 and a full work load. It was depressing to me. I didn't know how I would ever have the space to love a third child, not now. My midwife appointments were pretty much therapy sessions: I cried the whole time and talked about my mom. That was the first reason I chose homebirth midwives-for the personal care and holistic attention to my entire situation, not just my uterus and growing baby. Even until the end of my 41 week pregnancy, I was not excited to have another baby, to be nursing again, to be up all night, to be carrying a baby around, to be back with diapers, etc etc etc. I still didn't see how I could have the capacity to love or care for another human, while my grief is still so present and rage and sadness are always lurking.
Well now that has almost completely passed. I look at Ryder and have this insatiable need to love and squeeze and nurture him. Every little face he makes is adorable (now that he does something other than cry all day). When he wakes up in the morning next to me in bed, he grunts and farts like an old man, and then slowly opens his eyes and cracks a huge smile. It is a great way to start the day, especially for someone like me who needs 3 cups of coffee before I even want to think about changing out of my pajamas or talking to anyone.
A month before my mom passed, she told me I should have another baby. I balked at the idea of it, at least for another few years. Thank God he's here now.