dark cloud, old mat

warning: private information contained herein. feelings, emotions, rawness.
warning #2: feelings, emotions, rawness contained. try not to judge me immediately.

"I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home."

I feel stuck lately, stuck in a negative mindset, pulled out temporarily by exercise or completing sewing projects, but easily pulled back in. Bad reactions, bad attitude, spiraling down over little things. Tough to get myself out. After reading heather's blog, I am trying to be ok with trying anti-depressants.
Shouldn't I be joyful, full of fervor for the Lord, doing His will with an attitude of servanthood, considering others better than myself, grateful to be alive and counted as one of the chosen? I am trying to take the healing that Jesus offers, accept that His grace is sufficient, but that I may also need a little pill every day. On top of the one I take so I don't have any more babies.
I want to be myself, or, feel like myself. I want to be a fun mom. I want to be a good wife. I want my smile and excitement to be a door to the eternal happiness that I know exists deep down in me somewhere (that joy that knows no conditions), but that is clouded over with mama hormones. I want to feel like there is energy in me to think of others, not just the sadness overcoming me, the storm that is trying to blind me from reality.
I don't want to be feeling the 'why me's' anymore. I know that isn't what it's about.
I am feeling overwhelmed.


  1. marni,
    remember that you are also in a crazy phase f life. you have two physically demanding children. it will pass. every day, week, month....it will get easier. you are doing a fantastic job. i am really proud of you.

  2. hang in there lady. it will get better.