dark cloud, old mat

warning: private information contained herein. feelings, emotions, rawness.
warning #2: feelings, emotions, rawness contained. try not to judge me immediately.

"I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home."

I feel stuck lately, stuck in a negative mindset, pulled out temporarily by exercise or completing sewing projects, but easily pulled back in. Bad reactions, bad attitude, spiraling down over little things. Tough to get myself out. After reading heather's blog, I am trying to be ok with trying anti-depressants.
Shouldn't I be joyful, full of fervor for the Lord, doing His will with an attitude of servanthood, considering others better than myself, grateful to be alive and counted as one of the chosen? I am trying to take the healing that Jesus offers, accept that His grace is sufficient, but that I may also need a little pill every day. On top of the one I take so I don't have any more babies.
I want to be myself, or, feel like myself. I want to be a fun mom. I want to be a good wife. I want my smile and excitement to be a door to the eternal happiness that I know exists deep down in me somewhere (that joy that knows no conditions), but that is clouded over with mama hormones. I want to feel like there is energy in me to think of others, not just the sadness overcoming me, the storm that is trying to blind me from reality.
I don't want to be feeling the 'why me's' anymore. I know that isn't what it's about.
I am feeling overwhelmed.

the artist as a young girl

Hmm, well, Fern has another ear infection. This past week has been very challenging. I have decided, well, Tray and I have decided, that we are going to put Sage in some sort of day care 2 days a week. She has been super tough lately, just getting very frustrated easily, tough to keep happy, asking to be held every time I need to nurse Fern, hitting and throwing and hurting Fern, and throwing tantrums a lot. We are both so annoyed and at our wit's end. Financially, it doesn't make much sense, but if I don't get a break from her I think I am going to lose it even more than I already have! I think time away from me, and time with other kids and adults will be good for her, and time away from our tiny house. Some days it feels like naps keep us inside til 4 PM, at which point we're all hungry and cranky and there's traffic everywhere. Part of me feels guilty that I can't do it myself, but I am trying to accept that it's okay. Doing afternoons and evenings 3-4 nights a week alone has been really tough lately (amen Allie??!). So we'll see how that goes, and maybe I will be more patient and creative with her in the time we're together.
The paintings are her first finger paintings. Like every parent I told myself I would never be, I am so proud of them.
The dress is her new fairy dress from her cousins, who are in town for a month from Brazil. She isn't sure about dress-up yet, but I know it'll be out of control in a couple months.

birthday

Today is Sage's birthday! I have not really had time to dwell on those two years. I feel like I never slow down enough to.
This has been a big week of "firsts": Sage is now sleeping in a big girl bed, and Fern had her first solids! Fern has been a little "off" the last couple of days, and I can't figure out if she is wanting more food, getting sick, or getting some teeth. I haven't quite figured it out, but she just had a temperature of 99.7. Hmm.
Tonight we are going to see REM. I am nervous about leaving both girls, especially since Fern has been getting up a lot at night. I guess I will just have to come home if there is an issue.
More diaper covers:

My Husband Is Awesome...

And here is the proof. He is the one wearing the red and blue jersey.
I will admit, Saturday mornings when Tray goes to ride and then to work are usually very challenging. But it is good to see he is out doing fun stuff.

I was the hardest core ever tonight. I told myself I won the "Hardest Trainer Ever" Award because I rode for an hour in rain, thunder, lightening, and ridiculous wind that was blowing pollen into my eyeballs at 18 mph with no glasses on. I am glad I got out for the ride, but it was certainly mentally challenging until I accepted the situation and turned it into something positive.
In other hardcore training news, Thursday night Lois and I did an open-water swim at Lake Wenonah, in NJ. It was SO MUDDY, I was covered in mud afterwards and my bathing suit will be permanently dirty. I am still scraping dirt out of my ears.

Have not sewn in a couple days...weird!

cutest little worry wart this side of the Mississip

Fernie is such a little worrier. She was born with those big huge eyes, and I just feel like the first thing I said as I pulled her to my chest when she was born was, "It's okay baby, it's okay. You don't have to worry about it for a couple years."
She just always has either a worried look on her face, or she is cracking up. I love that she is so expressive. Every day she seems to do something new, and that is so fun. She is grabbing her feet, rolling onto her tummy, grabbing toys and bringing them to her mouth, making funny noises with her slobbery mouth, and trying to buck out of her swings and seats. I can tell she is a very intelligent baby, and I can already see her as a young girl with glasses and books and just nerdy as anything, doing Sage's homework for her while Sage is out partying or drag racing.
The wool diaper cover is a new one, another size small. I have yet to put it to use. But I DID change the grossest poo diaper EVER recorded in history today, in a cloth, and I just threw away the diaper, it was that gross. When will the girl use the pot?
I have lots of diapers cut and ready to assemble/sew. Keep your eyes peeled (or your fingers clicking here) for more info.
OK I need to go and actually talk to my husband. You would think cutting the TV would help us actually interact, but marriage is proving challenging with two kids regardless of what distractions we do or do not have. Can I get an AMEN on that?

sunhats

I finished the first of several sunhats I am working on now. It turned out really well! It fits Sage perfectly. I tried to make a nice neutral color, even kind of boy-ish, and I look forward to sewing more of these.
((NOTE: the one in the updated Etsy mini frame is not the boy-ish one...that has already sold!!))
((NOTE #2: both sold already, i'll be making more! And yes, I am going to try to make some cloth diapers also!! stay tuned))

The Things That Excite You...

Once You Become a Mom:
that's right, diapers and strollers.

sewing

I have been sewing a lot, and thinking a lot about sewing. I am working on some diapers for Fern. They are pocket All-In-Ones, which means they are stuff-able diaper covers. I place a prefolded diaper (or microfiber shop towel from Target) inside of them, and then they go on. The reason I am making a pocket style, as opposed to just making All-in-ones, is because I like being able to dry them with less energy (sometimes drying an all-in-one can take more than two full dry cycles, and that is just wasteful). I am really happy with this pattern that I've made, kind of combining a bunch of patterns I have into one.
In other news, I am training for the SheRox Triathlon. I decided I need a goal, and I need to be exercising. I have not been back in the water, but I hope to go to some open-water swims in New Jersey. I am least worried about that. I am eating a lot of MEAT. YUM. And avoiding lots of gluten and all dairy for the most part. Feeling good! Strong! Loving exercising (it's early in the game, it's always fun at this point).
Anyone have the nike+ kit? I have been using mine and loving it.

wow.

Just took this picture of Fern and had to compare it with Sage.
Soon, when our new computer is up, I will have some cool pregnancy shots (from F) to post.